The Wizarding World of Latin!

Latin may be a dead language but don't tell that to your wizard friends. What? You don't have any wizard friends? Your loss. Harry Potter and the Pope, two of the most magical people on earth, both speak Latin. It's a powerful language, even in death.

What I don't understand is how you would speak Latin in everyday situations WITHOUT constantly casting spells and curses. Every mystical spell I have ever heard or read was just the actual request said/written in Latin. This could be good or bad depending on the situation. Let's say that I said, "Volo rhoncus varius sandwico!!!" Well, first I might have drawn a pentagram, then stood inside my pentagram and THEN declared that, "I want a grilled cheese sandwich!!!" in Latin. I'm a little fuzzy on the magical details but I'm pretty sure that's how it works. Next, POOF! a glistening grilled cheese sandwich appears before my supernatural eyes! Constant, magical, grilled cheese sandwiches would be so rad...also, no calories...because I said so...in Latin. 

Here is an example of everyday magical Latin use gone awry. So, I am now consuming my other-worldly sandwich and (while still standing in the middle of the pentagram...I forgot to step out due to the incredible flavor of my incredible sandwich) I pronounce, "Hoc mirabile est, sandwico! Mea sunt gustus gemmas exploding!" OH SHIT. My taste buds begin to ACTUALLY explode into fireworks and my head is blown completely off. Now I am just as dead as the language that I have so casually spoken for my own selfish occult gain. 

Lesson? Be careful in Latin Club kids. You just might get your head blown off after consuming the most heavenly sandwich in all creation or you might get a D in Latin. Both are pretty terrible situations. 

Children of the Candy Corn

Halloween is wasted on the young, like so many things in life. Children cannot truly appreciate this terrifying, pseudo-religious, sugary sweet, holiday. Kids can dress up, of course, but do they get to dress, "slutty" or covered in blood?! NO. They have lame costumes like little princesses and spider man. BORING. Kids are lame. Let's face it. They can't wear cool costumes, they can't stay up past 9 p.m., they certainly can't get krunk on witches brew, they can't even watch scary movies and to top it all off, their moms control their candy intake. 

It's about time adults take back Halloween. I have lived through elementary school, middle school, high school and even college. Did I learn anything? NO. The point is, that I had to suffer a childhood. I came out the other side as an adult. If I wanna dress as a slutty Incredible Hulk, well then, dammit that's what I'm gonna wear! No one can make me go to bed! Except for the 5 Xanax that I just ingested! No one can take away my rated-R horror movies! Except for Netflix, because I forgot to pay my bill. No one can take away my candy! Except for my husband because he says too much sugar turns me into a super She-Hulk but what does he know?! No one can take away my witches brew! Except for the police...they said it caused a "Disturbance" last year. I've got your "Disturbance" right here, officer! No, no I don't. I apologize, officer.

This year, as I turn 30 years old, I will reflect on Halloweens long past. I will remember the all night long horror movie marathons, the candy induced hallucinations, getting so krunk that I turned Hulk then Bruce Banner and then Hulk AGAIN. I will recall covering my neighbors' homes with toilet paper for no apparent reason, watching someone dressed as Sarah Palin make-out with the entire band KISS, seeing a grown man shave his legs so that he would be a "more convincing Margaret Thatcher". Halloween is a truly magical holiday and I look forward to the next 30 years of mischief, guys in drag, krunktastic witches brew, terrible horror movies and candy...oh, the candy.  

Rosetta Pietra

I am learning Italian through Rosetta Stone; which is not a bad program. It's not great, but for the money, it is pretty good. What I love about all language courses is the useless material you receive and open ended questions. They teach you to say things like, "I am lost", "Where is the library", "How do I get to the airport" and other directional based questions. Most of these question phrases are found in level 2 whereas, the ANSWERS are found in level 4. So you can ask questions all day but you will never know the response!! Things like "left", "right", "straight", "east", "west" would have been helpful in the SAME lesson.

Here you will find a list of phrases that I have no idea when/if I will ever use them.

1. Sono imbarazzato perché ho ​​dimenticato i pantaloni

Translation: I am embarrassed because I forgot my pants.

2. Io studio per fare l'idraulico.

Translation: I am studying to become a plumber

3. Il cane salta oltre il recinto.

Translation: The dog jumps over the fence.

4. Ho perso il mio palloncino.

Translation: I have lost my balloon.

5. Le balene nuotono nell'oceano.

Translation: The whales swim in the ocean.



Here you will find a list of phrases that would be way more helpful in my day to day life.

1. Scusa segnora, sei una prostituta?

Translation: Excuse me ma'am, are you a prostitute?

2. Dove si trova il negozio di liquori e quanto tardi e aperto fino?

Translation: Where is the liquor store and how late is it open till?

3. Ufficiale, non e colpa mia.

Translation: Officer, it's not my fault.

4. Dov'e la piscina di Nutella?

Translation: Where is the Nutella pool?

5. Cosa vuoi dire non posso fare skateboard nello Vatican?! Pensavo c'e un parco di pattina?

Translation: What do you mean I can't skateboard inside the Vatican?! I thought it was a skate park?!


The name of my Italian language book will be called Rosetta Pietra. Pietra means stone in Italian. See! You are ALREADY learning and just from the book title, ALONE!!!

Cat Infestation

I can't say that I have ever suffered from any kind of "infestation" before. Once, when I was in college, I did have a short-term hippy infestation but that issue resolved itself once I ran out of food and we were all forced to venture out into the wild and forage for chicken McNuggets.

My current apartment is riddled with the demon spawn known to many as "cats". What disturbs me is that if I had a rat infestation I could poison them, guillotine them, smash them with a boot, gas them or chemically neuter them. Why can't I just use one of these methods with all these mangy, disease ridden cats? Oh right, cats are peoples' pets. So are rats or mice. Rats/mice also help cure diseases in medical studies. If you ask me, rats are awesome and seem to being pulling their weight. Cats, on the other hand, are lazy pieces of crap, they don't cure diseases, they only spread them and they probably killed the dinosaurs...probably. Have I mentioned I hate cats?

I went on a run tonight and one of "Satan's minions" jumped a fence and started chasing me. This cat was missing half of its fur and probably had rabies (zombie virus). Am I blowing this out of proportion? Probably. Should I be prepared for the "Zombie Cat Apocalypse"? Definitely.

This cat epidemic has gone too far. Someone is going to get hurt. It's us or them. It's a cat eat cat world. Every cat has it's day. These cats are running out of lives. All cats go to hell. These cats are a devils best friend. Give a cat a pitchfork. Could I come up with more terrible dog/cat puns? Yes. Will I? No. Why? Because you managed to read this far and I feel like we are friends now and friends don't torture friends with awful puns.

In the meantime someone needs to invent a "Cat-Away Spray". Oh wait that already exists. It's called Holy Water.

Orange is the New Black

I refuse to watch Orange is the New Black and here is why. Netflix has sucked for quite some time now. I can't find classic movies, new movies or more than one season of almost any show that they offer and I don't understand why they can't host every movie/show created through out time? You have the power of the internet behind your company? I used to go to an old video store called the Naro Video Exchange and this place from the 1970's had a much wider selection of new and old movies and TV shows. They even kept up with the times with Blu-rays and other such nonsense. The guy who worked behind the counter looked to be about 70 years old, wore coke-bottle glasses and had a handle bar mustache. How did THAT guy get a better selection of movies than a massive company like Netflix?!

I don't like conspiracy theories (unless, we're talking about the tooth fairy THAT BITCH IS REAL). Not really a "theory" I guess, so much as a fictitious person. So, let me clarify, I DO NOT believe in conspiracy theories but I DO believe in mythical beings? Now, I'm confused. Here is my conspiracy theory which DOES NOT include the tooth fairy.

I think Netflix is cramming all of their "original programming" down our throats? Down our eyeballs? That's gross. Shows like Orange is the New Black, Arrested Development and Knights of Sydonia get our immediate attention because there isn't anything else worth watching on Netflix, most of the time. This boosts ratings for their own programming; which, they can produce and air for a fraction of the cost of buying the rights to all these other films and shows to rent out on their website or in the mail. Right now, 90% of what I see on Netflix are shitty B-movies, which I have discussed here before. They are cheap so Netflix buys an ass load of them!

I'm sure that Orange is the New Black is just as great as everyone says it is but out of principal I just can't watch it. Get some better "rented" programming, Netflix, and then I will start to watch your original programs.

Orange is the New Netflix

May the Force Be with You

I often times wonder what rock stars REALLY think about their fans and by "rock stars" I mean "one hit wonders".

I just got to see the Plain White Ts (for free) and because I was bored. That last sentence is me trying to be "cool" so you don't think that I like pop music because I really only listen to T Rex, Phil Keaggy and Ghostland Observatory...because I am "cool". "Cool" me would NEVER listen to the Plain White Ts...

Anyways, while I was at this concert I realized that I was one of the OLDEST people there! (Tell your mom to go home!!!!!) This band's last hit single came out in, I believe 2006, and yet everyone at this concert was 12 year old girls? When did they hear this song? Was it in the womb? I don't know. What I do know is that these little ladies were riding a tidal wave of hormones. Yelling, screaming, waving and dressing very grown up. Few things are more fun than watching the ovaries of prepubescent girls exploding over 32 year old, grown, ass, men with guitars. What do these girls think will come of their screams and short skirts?

I can't imagine that a 32 year old, wealthy, married and mustachioed man is thinking to himself. "Man, you know what I love?! Chubby 12 year old girls." He doesn't think that because
 1: That's gross 2: Most men like boobs 3: That's illegal

To be fair, my first celebrity crush was Harrison Ford, in a time when all other girls were swooning over Jonathan Taylor Thomas. Nothing is weirder than a slumber party conversation over crushes, that goes like this: "Who do you like?" "I like JTT" "I like N'SYNC" "I like the Back Street Boys" "I like HARRISON FORD from 1977 STAR WARS BECAUSE I AM WEEEEIIIIRD!!!!"

Chillax little girls and "May the force be with you".

Joan Rivers the Original Funny Woman

I once said, "Two things will exist after the apocalypse, cockroaches and Joan Rivers." Well, some might argue with me but I am pretty sure we are not living in our dystopian future. But perhaps, Joan is still with us; God knows plastic isn't biodegradable! Too soon? Joan would say, "Not soon enough!".

That's what made her so great/hilarious. People who are truly funny will laugh with us even if the joke's on them. Thanks for letting us laugh with you and at you Joan.

I hope she is in Heaven, right now, mocking all the angels for wearing tunics. "Hey! 100 B.C. called and they want their man-dresses back!"

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