Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Last December I sailed the high seas of the caribbean for my friend's wedding.But I had bigger dreams than nuptiuals, awkward speeches and midnight buffets; I wanted to take over Cuba. I wanted to prove that a small boat full of white people could take over a country inhabited by millions of ethnic peoples within a few weeks or months. Does this make me racist you ask? No. It makes me a pro-active historian/anthropologist and , with my research, I could help future native peoples to stave off white invasions.
I made several attempts to take over Cuba but ultimately I couldn't get the power of the crew (i.e. other wedding guests) behind me. During our fancy dinners at night the captain of the ship was often at this feasting. I called for a coupe. He was unarmed, un-maned and would never have seen it coming! My plan was to create a diversion by getting one of the groomsmen to take over the band and start playiing "cop killer" on casio keyboard while I would put the captain in a krav maga hold and then declare myself the new captain. Clearly these groomsmen were total pussies/didn't know all the words to "cop killer". My second failed attempt was to call on a full-on mutiny in protest of the terrible chocolate lava cake that was served at literally every dinner. I mean how can you mess up lava cake? It was the best thing on the menu and it was a let down every time I or anyone else ordered it?! But, I digress. My third and final attempt was to get all crew members and passengers to one side of the boat (port) in order to force the ship towards Cuba.
In hindsigt, wedding guests and 50-yr.-old, Hawaiian shirt wearing, Jimmy Buffet enthusiasts were not the best crew members for a future pirate ship/Cuban settlers. If you or anyone you know can find a way to take over Cuba let me know and my tri-pointed hat off to you sir or madaam.
-True story...of fantasy