Friday, July 18, 2014

Little Shop of Home Depot

All the the knowledge that I posses about botany emanates from the movie Little Shop of Horrors (A cult classic that my husband has never seen because he is a total mystery). With this being said, I do not understand the "Indoor Plants" section of the Home Depot. I assume, from the title, that these plants must be kept inside at all times no matter what, no matter how much the flower or herb begs you to go outside to play with all their other seedling friends and drink Capri Suns until the sun goes down.

How do these plants survive in the wild? They must be the genetically engineered dogs of the plant world. The pomeranians of greenery. I can't help but envision adorable little town houses, in the forest somewhere, that occur naturally and are housing these feeble little flora.

The only plants that I have managed NOT to kill have been cacti and succulents. After the zombie/Left Behind/Hunger Games/Terminator apocalypse and into our dystopian future few things will have survived except for roaches, cacti and Joan Rivers. I am positive that all these weak little bitch plants are going to be the first life forms to permanently die off.

My husband recently purchased a basil plant and so far, despite my best attempts, it is thriving. This plant requires constant sunshine and needs to be watered two times a day. Basil hales from Italy. It does not rain two times a day in Italy, where we live. I'm pretty sure that it doesn't even rain two times a day in the RAIN forest. I literally have no idea how this plant grows in the wild.

I just can't trust something that is so delicious, so high maintenance and yet an ultimate biological mystery, that is sold next to lawn gnomes at the Home Depot.


  1. I'm with you on this - I've often wondered how the hell these plants survived without all the watering and plant food and blah blah blah that I keep being told I need to do for my garden. My husband, however, points out the whole "they lived in a habitat" argument which is far less funny and interesting than my wonder and your very funny blog! Thanks!