Monday, August 4, 2014

Volcano Insurance

Before moving to Italy I had renters insurance for my small apartment in Virginia. The agreement covered "Acts of God" but not "Military Coups" or "Militia Attacks". WTF Virginia. Luckily for me and my tiny apartment, no militias tried to overthrow the local government, no matter how much they wanted to. When I say, "No matter how much they wanted to.", what I really mean is this true story:

Scene: The National Zoo in Washington, D.C.
Players: Me, Andrew, anonymous son and anonymous father

We were by a monkey cage around closing time and most of the animals had been brought inside the facilities by handlers and other animals were simply seeking shelter to sleep for the night within their enclosures.

Beside us, there was an older man sporting a great trucker hat, ratty old t-shirt with the American flag emblazoned across it and a ridiculously large camera (with equally ridiculously large zoom lens), long jean shorts and fanny pack. His son appeared to be about 12 years of age with blonde hair and could be described as "husky".

The father began to explain to his son that we couldn't see any of the animals because of "Obama". When the father, did finally see an animal with his over compensating camera lens he simply shrugged it off by saying to his progeny, "It's fake. It's an animitron just like you see at the Chuck E. Cheeses, damn Obama."

I was totally unaware of the powers that Barack Obama held over the animal kingdom. I guess that's what won him the election...twice. His sweet ass animal control capabilities were just too powerful!

This is what I mean by, "No matter how much they wanted to."

My new problem, here in Italy, is living directly under a Volcano that is about 40 years over due for an eruption. Does my new renters insurance cover lava flows? Will it insure my house hold goods when it is raining hell fire outside my windows? Will I be compensated after my car has been encased in ash? I'm still waiting on the reply from my insurance adjuster. In the mean time, I'm just trying to "pose" epicly, around my house, so that I look really cool in Pompeii after I have been immortalized in ash. Just want to cover all my bases.

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