Wednesday, April 20, 2016

Hello Kitty Goodbye Electric Toothbrush

To all my dental hygiene enthusiasts heed this warning, Satan walks among us. He is the creator of the most demonic presence known to man, err, gingivitis...the ELECTRIC TOOTH BRUSH!

Dentists claim that using an electric tooth brush, on a regular basis, will cut down on plaque, gingivitis, cavities and even reduce the number of cleanings you need per year. After using one of these sadistic devices I can boldly say that I completely agree with the American Dental Association. You know how yearly cleanings are painful, uncomfortable and just plain messy? Well, now imagine having those same irritating feelings, on a daily schedule and in the comfort of your own home! Of course this machine will destroy tooth decay and plaque! It's doing the same annoying job as your dentist and dental hygienist! The sensation is truly terrifying. Imagine a bathroom, in which toothpaste is soaring all across your mirror, the hum of the device is maddening, vibrating (like nails on a chalkboard) over your sensitive gum line, devoid of all cleaning agents because that gel was deposited onto the mirror over your sink and your teeth are chattering from irritation, pain and lack of proper lubrication. 

This must be the work of the dark lord. Only the devil could create something as sinister as an "in-home dentist". I must admit that I was seduced by His promises of a gleaming smile and a shrinking dental bill. But lo! These are mere words on parchment, err, internet, err binary, err LCD get the idea. Well, enough with this talk transformed into 0's and 1's. Many of us are visual learners and for those people I have devised a list of ancient torture devices that I would prefer to be tortured with as opposed to being tortured (nightly) by my electric tooth brush. 

First up...
Whatever the HELL this is?! "Hey bro, just relax while we insert this tiny pyramid up your butt. Also, don't worry. Could be worse....could be an electric tooth brush....up your butt."


Tiny fork torture. Man, these ancients really had a thing for tiny torture devices. Also, it looks like a trident but with only two prongs...does that make it a bident?

Moving on we have...

Stretchy torture. The clergy was all like, "Hey man, nothing personal but the church really frowns on being short...something about 'God has cursed ye hobbits, yadda, yadda, yadda', you know what I'm talkin' about. We gotta stretch you out man...for Jesus. Just be glad you don't have tartar build-up along your gum-line."

And Finally...

An actual dentist with an actual chainsaw. I feel like the dentist would have the courtesy of giving me some local anesthetics or happy gas before chainsawing my face open. Why don't electric toothbrushes come with laughing gas and dino stickers? I need to know that I was brave and did a great job through the positive reinforcement of a dino sticker...but I am willing to settle for Hello Kitty. I'll meet ya half way, Satan.


  1. Thank you for the nightmare fuel. I will not sleep for the next few hours, but I will freak out about brushing my teeth in the morning.

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