The iPad and Other Useless Sh*t

I'm a big fan of multi-taskers. Take the knife for instance, it slices, it dices and it can protect you in a hobo fight! It has so many uses! I could be in my kitchen, minding my own business, just slicing up some kiwis, bein' all healthy and sh*t, when out of nowhere, a maniac does a sweet judo roll thru the sliding glass doors and right into my kitchen wielding a hand gun. Without missing a beat, I do a blind turn and stab my assailant right in the heart with my 6 in. chef's knife, then I calmly return to cutting up my kiwi fruit, only after I have gently removed the blood from my blade and hopefully had called 911, at some point during this scenario.  Now that's a multi-tasker!

The iPad, on the other hand, cannot chop kiwi fruit nor can it defend my honor in a vicious kitchen brawl. This is just one of the many reasons that I cannot support the iPad. My husband recently purchased an iPad because he is an idiot. I do not understand the iPad or the people who own them. "The iPad has so many cool apps and functions, though!" Me, "So, just like my iPhone that I already own and pay for?" "The iPad is also way lighter and easier to carry than a laptop." Me, "I thought you wanted to lose weight?"  "But, it has a way bigger screen!" Me, "Just like my laptop that I already own and pay for?" My laptop also has a functioning, real world, keyboard, has more storage capabilities than the iPad and oh yeah, I ALREADY OWN IT AND HAVE PAID FOR IT!!!!

I think the iPad is just for people who love to spend money, for no reason. I think if everyone who has purchased an iPad used that same money on charity, instead of this expensive uni-tasker, we probably would have cured AID's by now. Therefore, if you buy an iPad, clearly you want AID's to win. Not cool, not cool everybody. Keep in mind, that I have written this on my old timey, clunky, heavy, already paid for laptop. It's so heavy, in fact, that I can sling it at that guy coming thru my window, right now; and it will probably kill him on impact and still function, even after the collision. Now that's a multi-tasker!

The GoNoWhere Camera

Hate seeing videos of your over-achieving, athletic friends on social media?! Aren't we all?! Now you can finally purchase the answer to the GoPro camera, the GoNoWhere camera!!!

Who cares about someone wake boarding from a first person viewpoint? Personally, I get motion sickness just watching these mini films. I don't own any of that public school magic powder either, so it's a real problem. Why watch someone dirt biking in the Sahara when you could watch me eating potato chips and drinking Dr. Pepper from the chips point of view!!! You could be inside the ridges of my store brand potato chips, finally!!  Better yet, strap the GoNoWhere camera to your cat's head and all of your friends can watch you read "Pride and Prejudice" cover to cover! Only, interrupted every few minutes to get a "cat's eye view" of it's own naughty bits, of course. Does the action stop there, you ask? OF COURSE IT DOESN'T!!!!! Contrary to the name the GoNoWhere camera actually goes everywhere! Your exciting daily routine can finally be put on display for the whole world to see! From doctors visits, endless hours of internet shopping, Pizza Hut deliveries, every sweet kill shot in Assasin's Creed you've ever made, watching Grey's Anatomy for the fifth time, personal grooming it's all there for your GoNoWhere camera to record and for your friends and family to cherish!

Father Daughter Macarena

Mother, son dances don't exist because they are creepy. Why do father, daughter dances exist. They are no less creepy than a mother, son dance. I thought the dance floor was the great equalizer? There is no race, no religion, no social hierarchy just dance. Was all the work of Kevin Bacon, Patrick Swayze and John Travolta for nothing?! They proved to us (thru their bell-bottomed moves) that anyone can dance and that we shouldn't have these exclusatory dances. Only fathers and daughters is just weird. I don't want to dance to Lady GaGa's "Disco Stick" with my dad. I don't want to dance to "My Eyes Adore You" with my dad.

There is no way that dad's came up with the idea of the Father, Daughter Dance either. This had to be the idea of some stage mom who takes way too many pictures of their child's (insert activity). Guys would never come up with an idea as lame as this. I highly doubt that dad's are sitting around thinking to themselves,"Man, I would much rather awkwardly dance to "Knock on Wood" with my daughter this weekend then watch the big (insert sporting event)." "I would much rather eat some store bought, cake and punch this weekend than drink beer and eat pizza with my friends." (Said no dad ever)

The father, daughter dance is just an excuse to take photos. So, just get all dressed up, go into the backyard and take some photos and save everyone the embarrassment of dancing to Dolly Parton's "I Will Always Love You" with your dad. No one wants to see that.

Keep in mind, you can dance with your dad and that is fine. But, if your child is exclusively dancing with her dad at an event that has a raffle for golf lessons and everyone is wearing crowns/tiaras then your child might be at a father, daughter dance.

When in Rome, Eat a Hot Dog and French Fry Pizza

I promise all my blogs won't be about Italy, now that I'm living here, but I can't promise that some of them won't be about Italy. See what I did there?

What is authentic? If I want to dress up as Batman, on a daily basis, is this unauthentic because I am neither man nor bat? If I put dreads in my hair, is this unauthentic because I am neither Jamaican nor Rastafarian? My heart is in an authentic place so I feel like these count? My heart is also drunk most of the time so I try not to listen to it. The last time that I "Followed my heart" I ended up at a Styx concert and eating pancakes at 2 a.m. from IHOP, which stands for, "I Hate these Overly-expensive Pancakes". Did I mention that I hate IHOP? I hate IHOP; now you know.

I can only assume that everything in Italy is authentic because it is made by actually Italians. Yesterday, I watched in horror as a child ordered a french fry and hot dog pizza. No I am not making this up. If you ordered this at a Chuck E. Cheeses, you would assume that a middle aged man wearing a giant rat costume came up with this idea while extremely high and possibly drunk. It's the kind of thing I wouldn't eat in public for fear of hipster judgement and not being "authentic". In times of doubt I turn to philosophy and religion. What would Jesus do, you ask?

I Corinthians 10:23 KJV "All things are lawful for me, but all things are not expedient : all things are lawful for me, but all things edify not."

I feel like a french fry and hot dog pizza does not edify but I will not judge you for eating this truly authentic, Italian made, pizza because "Judge not, that ye be not judged." Matthew 7:1 KJV.

Holy pope emperor this blog just got religious! I take my food seriously, religiously! Pizza in Italy may be authentic but it doesn't mean I have to like it. Italy is home to Christendom and Pizza; some of it is authentic and some of it is just for tourists

Time Lords and Alternate Titles

Every time I go to a museum I am on the look out for "time lords". I have written about this subject before but for those of you who missed that web log (I'm sure you have greeeaaat excuses) I will clue you in on what a time lord is. A time lord is someone who does not age and has the capability of traveling thru time and he or she will often show up in ancient artifacts or art, itself. I submit for your review exhibit A:

If you are familiar with South Park, it will be easy for you to see that this is clearly a portrait of Miss Chokes on Dick. I find this odd because not only is Miss Chokes on Dick a fictional cartoon character but apparently she is also a time lord. 

Exhibit B:

What happens in Fight Club stays in the Chrysler Museum of Art. Edward Norton is quite the lady and a very talented time lord, as well.

This next submission is highly spiritual Exhibit C:

Jamie Fox as the Buda. Jamie went from triple threat, singer, actor and dancer to truly enlightened being. Now, that's a hip time lord. 

The next submissions are what I like to call, "Alternate Titles". These artists are extremely talented and even ground breaking but let's face it. They suck at naming their precious artwork, so I have submitted to you, the reader, more accurate titles to these wonderful masterpieces of art history. 

Exhibit A: 

Title, "Nah, Girl Like This. Here Let Me Show You."

This guy has some sweet ancient game. Mackin' on that hot lady with his sweet pan pipe chops! No lady could resist.

Exhibit B:  

Title, "The Fuck You Say To Me?"

This master clearly saw the small yet significant nuances of human social interactions with his master work, "The Fuck You Say To Me?". 

Because Wine

I might not be writing too much within the next week because I am moving to Italy. Why am I moving to Italy, you ask? Because wine. I am going to try to keep up with a blog a day, per usual, but be warned if I skip a couple of days here and there. I might be mid air above the Atlantic, in which, no blogs. Because wine.

Karaokeing at Life

Some people can sing, some people can't sing and some people "look" like they can sing. Karaoke is fun. Mario Kart is fun. Eating jelly donuts is fun. Ultimate Frisbee is fun. But, you shouldn't get awards for any of these things or even be featured on national television for your amazing donut eating capabilities, your intense Mario Kart skills or fake singing to, "It's Raining Men". Hilarious it might be but award winning it is not. This is coming from someone who (undeservedly got 2nd place at a karaoke contest).

Karaoke "artists" should team up with air guitarists and start composing fake music. Why are people being celebrated for these non-skills? Also, lip-syncing? Why are you a thing? You can be hilarious when a tiny white girl mimes the words to a rap song but that is really just acting under a different name and actors already get awards for practicing a "real" craft. I think that real artists should be totally offended by this trend! What if I just walked into my dentist's office and started miming dentistry and then stole all of the doctor's patients to my new and hilarious dental practice? Cavities would get filled with bubblegum and jelly donuts...ironically, also how you get cavities, in the first place.

I am going to start "karaokeing" to things that I suck at, in life, for comedic effect but also to shift the attention away from just how terrible I am at certain activities and by "certain activities", I mean life.

Instead of actually working out, I'm just going to karaoke it?! Mime everyone on all the machines and make fun of all there inappropriate grunting and lifting of heavy objects, for no reason.

Why clean your house when you can karaoke? Just look like you are cleaning! For more fun, I suggest filling all cleaning bottles with cheap vodka so you can drink in between "karaoke" sets or "cleaning".

Sometimes I "karaoke" at being nice to people and their faces. But, don't we all do this? You just didn't know it! You are a karaoke master!!

I also have a 5 octave range when it comes to "karaoke" my dental hygiene. I only floss the night before a dentist's appointment and yet I have never even had a cavity? The karaoke gods have smiled upon me!

I dare you to out karaoke me! Hmm, we might need to set up some kind of award system to figure this out.