Monday, January 19, 2015

Do You KNOW Who You're F*cking With?!

On a recent trip to Florence I purchased, what is probably, a very overpriced leather motorcycle jacket. I am quite confident that my Italian leather coat was probably made by a Chinaman but an Italian guy stole it from the Chinaman thus making it Italian leather. Just watch the movie Gomorrah and you will see that I am right, per ususal.

The sales pitch is what really sold me on this jacket, though. First of all, the guy puts the coat on me and zips it for me, all old timey/gentlemanly like. He then shows me different ways in which I could wear this piece. Possibly, I could roll up the sleeves or I could zip it ALL the way up, All the way down, half-way zipped or (and this is where it gets crazy) zipped all the way up and with a scarf for the cold!!! This coat even comes with two zippers, that's TWO, DUE, DOS, 2, II ZIPPERS!!!! This master of merchants tells me that the first zipper is for when you are skinny and the second zipper is for when you are fat or "Before lunch, after lunch". Then, he starts to make some pretty bold claims. This guy tells me that my new coat is water proof AND fire proof! He takes out a lighter (like a f*cking ninja) and purposefully tries to set the jacket ON FIRE, thus proving the coat's insusceptibility to extreme heat. I replied thusly, "Great! This will come in handy during all the blazing infernos that I find myself in!!!!" My humor fell on deaf ears.

Here is the deal. If you are going to lie to me, LIE to me. Here are some lies that I would have preferred.


"Do you see these markings? Those are ancient runes that will provide a magical spell of protection over all who wear this's also on sale."

"Have you ever heard of Joseph and the Technicolor dream coat? Well, this. is. that. coat."

"It's made out of dragon scales."

"The lining is not silk like most leather goods but mithril that was forged in Mount Doom."

"Do you watch the show, Sons of Anarchy?!"

"Ha! Neither do I!"

"Cops use this same material to deflect bullets."

"The ballistic capabilities of this coat are, as yet, untested. But, I'm pretty sure it could withstand a nuclear blast and the fall-out of the ensuring nuclear winter to follow."

"All who wear this mantel shall possess the power of Thor and rule 1,000 years (unchallenged) in Asgard."

"Last week, Lemmy, from Motorhead, came into the store and tried on this EXACT moto-jacket but he said, and I'm quoting him here, 'It's just TOO badass'."


"Do you KNOW who you're f*cking with?"

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