Tuesday, January 13, 2015
The Biblical Mystery of Coasters
The Bible teaches us that God created man from the earth and that man desired another partner or friend for his lonely existence on this planet. God gave man another human to couple with and that human was woman. Woman taught man many things like love, comfort and arguably deceit.
Unfortunately, she forgot to teach man how to use effing coasters. Don't tell me they didn't have coasters in the Bible. Did you just place your goblet directly on the earth? Your grass would get watermarks from the chalice!!!! God opened man's eyes to his nakedness and exposed his heart to the home wares of Pier One. (Pretty sure that's what the Bible says, I'm no doctor) What kind of ungodly, furniture-ruining, Ikea-hating, monster would put their glasses AROUND the coaster but not on it? My eye is twitching and possibly hemorrhaging, as we speak, due to this home economics travesty.
I'm almost positive that God gave women menstrual cycles and pain during child birth NOT because she exposed man to sin but because she didn't teach him proper home management and coaster usage techniques. Society no longer exists in Biblical times and women have a lot more on their plates than house-hold management, babies, demon-snakes and questionable fruit choices. So, for the sake of my fragile sanity and all that is holy and good please, just use the damn coaster. Otherwise, you mock its very existence.