Tuesday, January 27, 2015

The Response Machine...Leave a Message at the Beep.

We all know someone who just likes to talk and they will listen to you from time to time but you get the sense that they don't reeeeeeaally care. People like this can't help it; they are just naturally unenthused and nothing/no one will ever change that aspect of themselves. We can't change people and often, we can't even change ourselves. People like this need some kind of a coping device or mechanism, perhaps even a machine. Remember answering machines? No matter what kind of day you are having your answering machine was effing EXCITED to receive messages! "Hi, you've reached the Smiths, we can't take your call right now because we are out DOMINATING LIFE so please leave a message at the beep, BYE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Certain individuals need some sort of 'response machine' that allows one to just hit a button and the device will play a pre-recorded response to different situations. For example, I realized a long time ago that one of my friends was NEVER going to give me the response I was hoping for and I finally came to this conclusion when I called her up one day (super excited, mind you) and I said, "You won't believe this! I just shook hands with and spoke to the President of the United States of America!!!!!". My amiga's response to this turn of events was, "Oh cool, well I just got done emptying my cat's litter box and now I'm getting ready to re-watch season 5 of Friends so my day has been pretty good.". WHAAAAAAAAT?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!, should have been her response even if it was faked.

People like this need mechanical intervention. The response machine (patent pending) will be of great use to both parties. The person enacting the response can hit the 'response' button, the message will play and then that uncaring S.O.B can go do laundry or empty out her cat's litter box while the caller is screaming about how amazing it was to meet the President on the other end and the caller is non the wiser to the nonchalantness of their wayward, so-called friend.

I really want to test my friend's excitement levels by making up fake stories to see what kind of a response that I can get out of her...if any. If I get no response or one of dull boredom then my companion might possibly be a robot or a Decepticon of some sort.

"Oh my God! I was just blessed by the Pope! He is washing my feet right now! WITH HIS OWN HAIR!"

"I hope you can accept the charges, because I am calling you from the moon."

"My Ferrari just broke down on the side of the road and I need you to come pick me up, wait, someone just pulled over....holy crap it's The Edge from U2!!!!!!!!!!! Thanks for the ride Mr. The Edge!!"

"How much heroin is too much heroin?"

"Apparently, my tweets are being broadcast thru space by one of NASA's new programs and my tweets have just made first contact with sentient alien beings.#firstcontactbitchachos"

Feel free to use any of the previous fraudulent statements to test on your compatriots to see if they are in need of the 'response machine'.

1 comment:

  1. I would definitely buy that. Pre-programmed responses are an unserved market, and programming them into people is a long and cumbersome process. So far I've only managed to get my boyfriend to blurt out "That BITCH!" at some of my rants, but he has trouble figuring out when it's applicable. (e.g. not when concerning inanimate objects, traffic or the weather...)