Tuesday, January 6, 2015

Thin Mints May Cause Toxic Shock Syndrome

Do you like music? What a dumb question. Do you like colors? Do you like food? Do you like fun? How about,  "do you like trip-hop?". That is a better, more specific query. Do you like to play guitar till the sun comes up and you get so lost that you forget that you needed to pee for the last two hours and your Gatorade Frost is not helping the situation? Of Course you like music! Do you like Girl Scout Cookies? Do you like Samoas? Does a dolphin shit in the sea? OF COURSE IT DOES!!!

Girl Scout Cookie season is upon us people!! The fact that these cookies have a "season" is nothing less than astounding. Is this the time of year when the Thin Mints are the most ripe? You have to mine for the Do See Do's so you need some of the snow to melt first before entering the cave entrance. Samoas are actually hydroponically grown in a bog just like cranberries, little known fact. The difficult thing about harvesting the Tagalongs is the fact that these sweet delights are grown high on trees and farmers have to send up specially trained spider monkeys to retrieve them from the tree tops. These monkeys are like the truffle pigs of desserts.

There is no need for these cookies to only be sold once a year for a month. The Girl Scouts are basically African diamond miners. There's plenty of diamonds for everyone but if you flood the market with diamonds then people will be all like, "Diamonds? Your mom wears diamonds!". It would be great if we could just buy conflict free Girl Scout cookies any time of year but, for now, that is just a dream and my Thin Mints will be covered in innocent blood...maybe I'm exaggerating...maybe.

The real point here is that I need someone to smuggle me some Girl Scout Cookies. There are no Girl Scouts in Italy, which is shocking; I know. If I don't get some sweet, sweet cookies into my veins my body WILL suffer toxic shock syndrome. Wait, I'm being told that toxic shock syndrome only occurs once you have left a tampon in for more than 24 hours. So, maybe not TSS but probably something similar and even more terrible will happen to my body if I go too long without these delicious delights.

Side note: Do NOT Google toxic shock syndrome...my eyes cannot unsee what they have seen. Just Google some adorable cat videos instead...and shipping prices on my Girl Scout cookies...

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