Tuesday, April 15, 2014

This Seems like a Terrible Idea

Why would anyone want to win a "Rock Star Weekend"? Let's keep to the classical meaning of the term "rock star" here and not the benign, "great mom", "chef", "accountant" or "dog groomer". Honestly, the list goes on but these people are not rock stars; they are boring and living vicariously through an ill-used nomenclature. In the traditional sense, a rock star is someone who plays either guitar/bass/keyboards/drums or sings and does so with an attitude and the volume knob turned to 11.

With this being said, I would never want a "Rock Star Weekend" because I'm not quite sure if my body or my scruples would survive it. I imagine that I would play a 2 hour long show preceded by a 1 hour rehearsal and sound check. After my work was over, I would be drenched in sweat and bed, bath and beyond tired. The rest is really just a blur but what the authorities have said is this: They found me face down in a pile of cocaine and my own vomit and possibly the drummer's vomit, as well. I was wearing smeared make-up, roller skates and a unitard (much like that of Freddie Mercury fame). Lying next to me was 3 bottles of Grey Goose vodka, 2 bottles of champagne, a rare albino spider monkey and a very naked Bill Nye the Science Guy. (Hey, this is my fake police report from my fake rock star weekend so maybe I am BFF's with Bill Nye...don't question it!)

Anyways, this sounds just awful! I would need another weekend just to recover from my "Rock Star" one. Perhaps a "65 Year Old Retired Millionaire Weekend", that sounds relaxing, sipping a mint julep while someone named Julio waxes my Maserati.

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