Facebook

Ok so everyone is complaining about the make over that facebook recently underwent. I'm not a big fan of plastic surgery but since facebook is going that route whether we like it or not here are my suggestions for their next nip and or tuck.

1. You can have people listed as either "friends" or "family" in your side bar but I have a few more categories I would like to add such as "Enemies" You know you have them and that you are currently stalking them on facebook to make sure that your life is better than theirs so that you can win...at life or whatever.

2. "People who added me but I have no idea who they are" ok this is your fault for accepting their friend request but hey we all have one of two of these lying around our facebook cyber home.

3. Instead of sending out only "friend requests" how about "enemy requests" you know to go with your "enemies" listing. It cuts right to the chase! Let's be nemesis and stalk each other with out the guise of "friendship" weighing us down.

4. I would like to be able to type in a topic into the search bar and search my friends/enemies comments that way. Instead of the crap shoot gamble of having to hear about my cousins stupid baby, what my hippy friend had for dinner last night or my enemy getting his master's degree (what a tool).

Ex. I could type in "gigs" and only posts in reference to upcoming performances would come up. Or "wedding" and find out whose getting hitched or "Glee fan" so I can find out who my next enemy will be! But these are only suggestions to get you going.

5. Languages. Pirate is lame people, get over it. I want to set my language to Kardashian or Demon...oh wait those are the same thing, whatever you get my drift. Under Demon, instead stating the word "Comments" it would state "Bard songs of vanquished foes" ....awesome.

Also, feel free to thank me anytime Tom for these incredible changes. Your welcome.

Never Ending Needs to End

I am literally insulted by the Never Ending ploy that most restaurants use to suck in the morbidly obese. Not because it's making America fat; we can do that on our own but because it's making us broke.

IHOP often offers never ending pancakes. These bottomless confections will run you about $7 to $8. Now, consider the fact that an entire box of pancake mix (the kind in which all you have to add is water) costs between $1 and $2 and heck I can't even eat an entire box of pancakes. That's like 50 pancakes?! And you, IHOP, have the audacity to charge me up to $8 for oh I don't know, about 4 pancakes. Because that's all I'm capable of consuming. Heck I'm not even allowed to order more to go or get any of the specialty cakes that I can't make at home?! Balderdash I say!

Next on the chopping block is Olive Garden. Keep in mind this is my favorite restaurant and YES I have been to Italy. This either speaks to how trashy I am or the mind control device that Olive Garden has implanted in my brain. Either way. Olive Garden (OG) offers never ending pasta once a year around August. This pasta does not include meat, that is extra. Never ending pasta costs about $12 not including tip. Once again an entire box of pasta (almost any cut) will run you about $1 a jar of sauce will cost about $3 now I'm no mathematician but that is considerably less than what Olive Garden charges and also I CAN'T EAT THAT MUCH F*CKING FOOD! Whew, that got intense.

Ok, I'm back and a little calmer now. Red Robin also offers bottomless steak fries with any burger. Keep in mind the average burger costs $12 there. I could go to McDonald's and get a whole meal, including drink for like $5 or $6 and yeah it's really not that different. It's a burger people...it's. a. burger.

Last on the chopping block for today is Red Lobster. RL offers bottomless cheese biscuits year round. I'm okay with this one because I can't make these at home and I get as many of these little diabetes makers no matter what I order. Mmm, Hurricane and cheesy biscuits. That's a power lunch. However, RL also offers never ending shrimp once a year around September/October. Now, at first this seems like a good deal since any seafood is pretty expensive right? Wrong! Let's crunch the numbers. Never ending shrimp costs $16 (not including beverage and tip). A bag of peeled, de-veined, frozen shrimp costs about $10 to $12. A much smaller price difference here but keep in mind that once AGAIN most of us can't even eat more than one plate at any restaurant and that bag of shrimp contains 50 to 70 shrimp(s).

Look, the bottom line is that whenever you see the words "Never Ending" that should translate to you as "Rip-Off". And now when we run into each other at the Olive Garden we can both judge each other over our pasta primavera.

Closures Part Deux

Quick update on my Driver's License situation. I went to the DMV (AGAIN) today to have my last name changed to my new married name and to get my new address on the ID as well. Well, everything went fine. A little too fine. Suspiciously fine? When I got all the way back home I looked at my receipt and realized that they put down an incorrect birthday for me??!! So, I call the DMV to try to get them to change this info before it gets sent to the capital. Of course, the lady on the phone tells me that I have to drive back down there to prove my actual birth date. Now, why do this? I brought them all these same documents the first time and clearly they didn't look at them. So why do this again? Well, I did it anyways and supposedly it is now fixed. However the real surprise will come in 2 weeks when I get the hard copy of my new license in the mail. Who knows what will be on it! NORFOLK DMV on WIGDEON RD IS THE WORST DMV EVEEEEEER!!!!! Can you taste my rage? It's palpable.

Money Ball

Brad Pitt, I'm sure that you are a good actor. I'm sure that you love what you do but I just can't take you seriously. You are just too good looking. Sorry.

Really, a baseball manager? The whole time I'm thinking, why isn't this guy a super model or a movie star...ruins the whole movie

Really, an upstart entrepreneur for a local fight club for losers? Nope, super model.

Really, a detective risking his life to find the Seven killer? You should be risking your liver functions from too many Mai Tais from a run-way show after party in Miami.

Really, a big time thief in the Ocean's movies? Seriously, you couldn't find work as a model? Had to resort to stealing? I don't buy it.

The only movie I could ever take you seriously in was Troy because you played a Greek Demi-God. (WHICH IS WHAT YOU ARE!!)

For a more comprehensive list of movies that Brad Pitt has ruined please refer to http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0000093/

Fear Mongers

Fox news has long been viewed as...wait, this blog post isn't about Fox News? But, I thought it was about fear mongering? Why, yes it is about fear mongering but this post involves CNN...believe it or not.

I recently lived through an earthquake and hurricane and no my name is not Storm and I did not cause these events. I know your shocked but don't worry I'm still pretty powerful. Actually, you shouldn't be impressed at all, the hurricane was a category 1 storm when it hit Norfolk and the earthquake was a 5.7 magnitude. These are events that do require a certain degree of respect but definitely not the mass evacuations and hysteria that I had to witness.

I believe that CNN caused most of these antics. They offered us non-stop live coverage of our impending doom. I think this was a chance for them to take a day off from real reporting and actual work. I am sure the rest of the nation would have enjoyed at least SOME news that wasn't hurricane related but you know it's whatever. I had to watch video of the mayor of New Jersey yelling at people to get out of the state. Also, when actual scientists tried to play down the "disaster" on CNN the CNN anchor would try to divert the question or statement back to the "carnage" of this storm. The scare tactics worked. All over town windows were borded or taped up. Stores were closed. Home Depot ran out of sand bags and batteries. For very few people were these precautions actually necessary. I'm all for safety but these guys definitely over did it. I had people calling me genuinely worried for my safety because of these ridiculous news reports. This storm was definitely odd for this part of the country and even news worthy...but to take up 24 hours of news space on CNN AND every other news channel? BALDERDASH I SAY!! (As I wiggle my mustache and monocle)

Next time any kind of natural disaster hits just call me and I'll tell you what you REALLY need. Uno, flashlights, beer, tiny-baby Jesus and did I mention beer? Oh, yeah I did. Also, in retrospect, I really should have looted more...next time.

Travel Tips for The $50,000 in Debt Traveler!

Should I pay back my student loans? Pay off my wedding? Pay off my credit cards? Nope, I should travel the world on an empty wallet and a pocket full of broken dreams! And, I'll show you how I did it!

1. Drinking: Ok this gets expensive but it is necessary when trying to forget about your useless degree and lost youth.
TIP: Me and my husband often pretend to be either single or gay on most outings. This allows other "singles" to buy us drinks at bars and clubs. They get fascinating conversation and we get a gentle buzz.

2. Hotels: If you can stay at a friends house or a long lost relatives house that is best but if you have no family (like myself) just follow these instructions
TIP: Ask for the cheapest room available but in the message box write either "honeymoon" or "anniversary". The hotel WILL upgrade you.

3.Food: Ramen noodles? Nope, that's for poor people. I'm not poor just cheap.
TIP: Split an entree with your friend, spouse or male escort (I'm not judging) also, find a place that offers free bread or chips. Then, tell the waiter that it is either your first time at said restaurant or that it is your b-day. You will likely receive a free app or dessert. Also, don't feel bad these are the same people that would have charged you $7 for a cupcake.

4: Entertainment: Ride the subway it usually only costs a few bucks. What do you get?
TIP: Fine conversation ex. Troupe of whores, "I told you I don't have no yeast infection! and even I did it ain't no disease! I mean, you can't even get that from ridin' a strap?!" You can't make that up people.

5: School
TIP: No matter what you do in life NEVER throw away a school I.D. Most museums, movie theatres, concert halls and even book stores will give you a significant student discount and there is no way for them to tell whether or not you are an active student. Also, don't feel bad. You've paid $40,000 for your shitty degree so they shouldn't begrudge a %10 discount at a national monument.

Closures

Borders book store recently announced that it would be closing all of it's stores. The company could not compete with the new digital media outlets and has now been left in the league of antiques with other heavy weights such as the record store, habadashery, and the space shuttle program. I don't know how I feel about this but it has made me wonder, what next? The post office is definitely on the list. Long lines, un-happy employees and no customer service. But, may I suggest another institution that should be committed to memory. The DMV. As Dessy Arnez would say,"Let me esplain", When "attempting" to change my name I brought my marriage license, passport and old driver's license to the DMV. The woman with 2-inch nails and a gold tooth told me that I needed to come back and show proof of residency. So I came back the next week with all the same materials + a voided check with my name and new residence on it. This was what the last agent told me to bring in, the new agent denied it.I was then told to bring in a statement that was mailed to my new address so I brought in a credit card statement and, of course, it wasn't good enough and apparently all agents have differing DMV rules? Anyways, I was then told that only bank statements could be used. So, I came back the next week with a bank statement and then I was told to go back to the bank and have it notarized?! Luckily, another gold toothed employee heard this debacle and let me slide with my un-notarized bank statement. I've made it! Right? Wrong! I then took a number and waited for an hour and a half only to discover that they would not issue me a new driver's license with my new name because my birth date was incorrect on my passport (thanks mom). I am now relegated to the fact that I will never successfully change my name until the DMV goes the way of Borders. At least at Borders I could get a double-tall latte unlike the DMV where I received a double-tall cup of bullshit.