Thursday, May 22, 2014

The Median Income at a Slayer Concert Is Food Stamps

I went to a Primus concert last night and I was at the bottom of a diverse group of unemployed white people. I don't know why I was surprised by this? What could you expect from an audience listening/trance dancing to a 25-year-old prog-rock, instrumental, power trio. Watching these tattooed tiny dancers just begged the question, "Who is manning the Blockbuster?". Oh, right, Blockbusters don't exist anymore, at least not on this mortal plane. I can only assume, that sense companies are now people, they can finally go to heaven or hell when they pass from this Earth. I had some good times at the Blockbuster, so I like to think that it is now in movie heaven. The better question might be, "Who is manning the Dairy Queen?". What if I want a Dilly Bar in the middle of Les Claypool's sick bass solo? Who will supply me with said Dilly Bar? Heaven forbid I require a small weather system of soft serve ice-cream blasted with candy pieces. You can't just get a Blizzard any where people!

My friend "Steve" is really into Primus, Slayer, Bucket Head and the Jonas Brothers. Oops, sorry Steve. Your secret is out. I am really friends with Steve's wife Stacey...I know, alliteration is so adorable. I wondered if Steve was also at this concert but I immediately wrote Stacey off, as not in attendance. After I had this thought, I realized something. I don't actually know what kind of music Stacey listens to? I just assumed that she doesn't listen to Primus! Why would I assume such a thing? Probably, because she doesn't have any visible tattoos, piercings, gauges (gross) or unnatural hair color. She also can't possibly listen to Primus because she is a new mother (of her early 30's not a teenage mother. Teenage mother's totally listen to Primus with their dead beat boyfriends and, when left to their own devices, listen to K$sha.). But, the main reason as to why she does not listen to Primus is because SHE HAS A JOB. Successful business people do not listen to jam bands, heavy metal or prog-rock. Oh there are always exceptions to the rules but those people don't REALLY listen to these types of music. You can't REALLY listen to a band like Primus totally sober, at a respectable volume, in your electric car, next to a car seat, early in the day/evening with a Starbucks coffee in hand and under a hairdo that would not be considered dread locks.

We can't all be Primus fans because the world needs Dilly Bars and because the world needs doctors, lawyers and scientists...but that's just a matter of opinion.

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